My Adversarial
Relationship with my Christmas tree.
By Laura Nelson
My
first two Christmas trees were my parent’s cast-offs. The first one was a
saggy, tired thing that had been in the family since I was a girl. I have only
vague memories of our previous trees. I was actually quite fond of my saggy
Christmas tree and it served me well for about 9 years.
Then
my parents bought themselves a smaller tree and offered their “old one” to me.
This one was sturdier and prettier, so I accepted it.
I
took my old one out and set it in its box in front of my apartment complex’s
dumpster. The next time I looked it was gone. I hope it served someone else as
faithfully as it did me.
The
second of my parent’s cast-off trees was 6 feet tall stayed with me for 15
years. That is, until Christmas Eve of 2011.
That
year I had finished all of my Christmas preparations and had sat down at my
computer to enjoy a pleasant evening sending a few last Christmas messages
before calling it a night.
While
I’m typing away I hear a crack and then a soft whooshing sound behind me.
Puzzled, I turn around in my chair to find my Christmas tree keeled over in the
middle of the living room floor. The cracking noise had been the sound of the
stand breaking, as I discovered when I bent over to try and stand it back up
again. It would never stand on its own again.
Luckily
for me it was early enough in the evening that K-Mart hadn’t closed yet, and I
was able to pick up a bulky, clunky-looking tree stand that would have to do.
Unfortunately, this new tree stand was designed for real trees, not artificial ones. It was deeper than the one that came with the tree, since it was designed to hold water. In order to make it work, I had to remove the bottom row of branches and try to re-distribute all of the decorations on the tree.
Unfortunately, this new tree stand was designed for real trees, not artificial ones. It was deeper than the one that came with the tree, since it was designed to hold water. In order to make it work, I had to remove the bottom row of branches and try to re-distribute all of the decorations on the tree.
The
people who saw the tree post-accident thought it was pretty. (Sigh of relief.)
And while I was grateful I had managed to make it work out, I wished they could
have seen it without the accident, because it was much prettier in its original
configuration. And so I made it through that Christmas with my jury-rigged
tree.
After
the holiday rush, I bought a new tree on sale. It was a pretty medium-green
color with cute little fake pinecones on the branches. I was hooked.
I
made a decision that year that after many years of squeezing a 6 foot tree into
my small apartment that I only wanted a 5 foot tree. The salesman also assured
me that he would make doubly sure that the tree I got actually had pine cones
on it, because sometimes the manufacturer left them off.
A
week later when I went to buy the tree I was waited on by a different salesman.
He wasn’t as nice, but he assured me that the tree would have the pinecones on
it, just like it said on the box.
The
holiday season was past, so I carried my new tree home and placed it in the
back of the closet for next year.
My
old tree was disassembled bit by bit and taken down to the garbage can in lots.
I hated to waste it like that, but I could not in good conscience put out a
broken tree even if it was free.
So
we come to 2012. I take the new tree out of the closet. Problem #1 raises its
head immediately. Instead of the 5 foot tree I thought I had gotten, the box
says 6.5 feet. So this tree is even
bigger and will take up even more room!
Unfortunately,
it has been a year since I bought it, so I figure there’s no way I am going to
be allowed to exchange it. I console myself at the thought of the store giving
me the larger, more expensive tree and probably selling the smaller tree I
wanted to someone who thought they were getting my 6.5 foot tree.
So
I unbox the tree and Problem #2 promptly raises its head. There are no
pinecones on this tree. Nor are there any in the bottom of the box that I can
put on it, as the second salesman so glibly assured me when I bought it. I am
not happy.
But
the tree is still pretty even without the pinecones, so I struggle for an hour
to assemble the tree stand so that I can put my new tree up.
Yes,
I said an hour. My previous two trees (and the one I bought separately after
the accident), had been simple to assemble. Those were all put together in just
a few minutes. Not this one! We fought for an hour before that stand finally
consented to be assembled. The rest of the tree was fairly simple to assemble.
And
now we come to the adventure of stringing up the lights. I began getting out my
Christmas lights to discover that nearly all of my light strings had begun to
feel their age and were no longer functioning. So I went out and bought a few
strings of new LED lights.
Except
that LED lights work on a different principle then the traditional lights do,
meaning that my flasher plug has now been rendered useless.
I
have always enjoyed having some of my lights flashing and some of them not. For
me, a tree with lights that just sit there is boring. So not being able to have
any flashing lights on my tree is not acceptable.
Unfortunately
for me, I soon discover that there is no such thing as buying a string of LED
lights with an optional flasher plug. You have to spend the big bucks on a “light
show” package.
Eventually
I find a selection of these at my local K-Mart. K-Mart is a handy store to have
within walking distance of my house.
So
I take my new “light show” home, and take it out of the box. I string it on the
tree. Everything is fine and good at this point. Then I try to choose which
lighting effect I want.
There
are eight choices. But it is not so simple as click, click, click from one to
the next so you can see the shows and decide which one you want.
The
selector is too flat, so it is difficult to get a good grip on it. Once you do
get a grip on it, it is so stiff and tight that it takes a major act of
strength to move it from one option to the next.
So
by the time you’ve been to all eight options, your fingers hurt, your hand is
sore, and you are practically in tears. But you hold yourself together in order
to move back two selections to the one you’ve decided on. In the process you
have to pass back over a selection that doesn’t appear to work.
At least with the second string I
knew which selection I wanted and I was able to avoid further strain on my
hands and move the selector directly to the option I want. I finish the tree
off by stringing it with the remaining solid strings of LED lights, and end up
with a pretty nice balance of lights.
And so we come to 2013, and it is
time once again to get the Christmas decorations out.
I start by placing my never-disassembled
tree stand where I want the tree. (I didn’t dare take the thing apart after the
fight I had with it last year.) Theoretically, the tree should just pop in the
stand, I can tighten the bolts, and it will all be ready to go.
And that is pretty much what
happens. The center pole slides right into place with a plop. And the branches,
which are on hinges on the center pole and fold up for storage, promptly
unfold, right on top of my head.
So here I am sitting on the living
room floor, trying to tighten the bolts on the tree stand, being attacked by
unfolding branches which I have to reach around to get at the bolts. All of
this while trying to keep my head up under the weight of the branches.
Luckily for me I learned the rule of
righty-tighty many years ago while working for the cable company and talking
people through connecting cables to the converter box. Meaning I can get the
bolts tightened even though I can’t really see them.
In the process, the unfolding branches
also knock some things off of the coffee table. So the tree has to be moved
around so it is not interfering with everything else in the room.
The tree gets assembled, it is time
to put the lights on, and then some ornaments and garland.
But all of that is another story. I
have had enough adventures with the tree for one day.
